Go My Favorite Sports Team!

     I didn't grow up in a household that watched sports.  That's not to say we didn't associate with sports.  I did the rotational thing most parents do with their kids as they sign them up for every seasonal sport to find out which one they excel at (for me, it was none of them).  Me and dad would even occasionally go out back and throw the ole' pigskin around (sorry, back then we still called it a football).  But as far as watching sports went and knowing individual teams, that didn't happen.  This could have been that besides the Jazz, Utah didn't have a professional sports team to cheer for (growing up not knowing about the Jazz was too bad since the 90's were probably their best years with Stockton and Malone, now all that's left of those players are car dealerships named after them).

     A few year's ago, Utah got a professional soccer team - Real Salt Lake - which is actually pretty good.  But unless you grew up playing soccer, are a die-hard fanboy, or are from anywhere in the world outside the United States, you can't really say you're a soccer fan.  But don't be fooled every 4 years when the World Cup comes around, every American suddenly becomes soccer fans and it's all anyone talks about.  It all blows over about a week after it finishes (or when America loses), and not even Tim Howard can stop that.

     There are other sports teams in Utah of course, the kind you got tickets to for getting gold stars in elementary school: the Utah Blaze, Salt Lake Buzz/Stingers/Bees, and the Utah Grizzlies.  Who are they?  It doesn't matter, let's move on.

     My first and biggest exposure to sports growing up was probably from NFL Blitz on the Nintendo 64.  Along with Goldeneye and Super Smash Bros., this game stands out as a classic, not only because of its high entertainment value, but also its educational value.

I didn't gain exposure to many teams since I always chose the Buccaneers (I liked pirates you see).  As I grew up more and watched real football, I began to realize that Blitz wasn't as informative as I thought.  For instance:

• You can't just go tackle someone and do a body slam on them after the play.  It's illegal apparently.  And less fun.
• It's unrealistic to expect a quarterback to throw a 100 yard Hailmary. 
• Players don't actually catch on fire when they are "on fire."

One of my favorite shows is Scrubs (excluding season 9), due to how closely I relate with JD.  One of the running gags is his apathy for sports.  The following clip is pretty much my approach (a bit of language):

Then when I try and talk sports with other people, I mix things up and end up feeling silly:

So now I just learn to keep it to myself.

If the occasion calls for it, I'll go to someone's place and watch the big game.  My reaction time is usually a second after everyone else has responded to a call so I can respond accordingly for not knowing what happened.  Odds are though, while everyone is yelling at the TV, I'll be in the kitchen like "hey, what kind of wings are these?"

Another Year in the Lonely Hearts Club, Thanks for the Reminder

     A few years ago, I was working in the psych unit at the hospital on Valentines night.  The older patient whose room I was in began to ask me a series of questions:

“Young man, shouldn't you be at home with your wife tonight?”

“Um, no ma’am I’m not married.” I responded.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend who cares about you (she really knew how to word her sentences for maximum effect)?”

“Nope, but I get to work here instead and help—“

“DO YOU EVEN LIKE WOMEN?” She interrupted, obviously frustrated with my answers. 

     I started to laugh, but stopped when her stony expression told me she was serious.  After sheepishly explaining that I did indeed like women, I hurriedly finished up and left.  I tried not to let the experience bother me; after all, it came from someone in the psych ward (On another occasion there, a different patient told me that because she liked my name, I would go far in life.  I’m going to hold on to that one).  But year after year as a single in Provo, there are certain things you can come to expect this time of year:

Bad Candy.  My boss once told me that the best chocolates come out only during holidays that have Jesus in them; so only Christmas and Easter (although I’ve never tried any Lent or Yom Kippur chocolates).  Whenever I’ve gotten one of those cheap heart-shaped box of Stouffer’s chocolates, I’ve rarely found one I actually liked.  It’s a good thing my life isn’t like a box of chocolates, because I hate dark chocolate and mints.

A sudden influx of engagements.  Every year, we take bets on how many engagements will be posted by the next day.  The winner last year was spot on at 9.  Welcome to Utah.

Unsolicited words and advice from married friends.  After they start appearing again after going off the grid after getting married, those friends just love to talk about marriage and how they want everyone else to have it too.  After I tell them of my nonexistent dating life, I will often get responses such as:

“Don’t give up, it’ll happen!”

“Let me set you up with someone, they’ve got a great personality (this last part isn’t spoken, but usually implied)!”

“There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

“But you’re so great/you’re such a catch!”

“That sucks!”

My response is usually:

Thanks guys.

Single people parties trying to make a statement.  Nothing screams “I’m lonely” like throwing a toga party in your apartment.  Other such parties may show up BY single people, FOR single people.  Lots of people go on trips too.  I don’t know about this year however, I’ll be in St. George with a bunch of friends.

Watch those hands boys!

An increase in the amount of marriage articles in the school newspaper.  Perhaps this one is more just BYU related.  Yes, you usually can find marriage articles on a weekly basis in the Universe, but those are page 2 or 3 articles.  The Valentine’s edition is page 1 . . . and two, and three . . . actually it’s the whole paper essentially.  You can check out such winning articles below like:

“‘I do’ at BYU” (If you’re 24, you’re really pushing the bar)

"Tying the knot in College" (ironically followed a couple weeks later by “Divorced students at BYU”)

“Single’s Awareness: The 5 Stages of Breaking Up Playlist” - (Aw, they were considerate and decided to remind us that we’re not married!)

A few years ago, there was a story on Tinder and how weird it was.  When it started actually getting people together and getting married, the paper did a lot more articles and seemed to endorse it.

Better luck next year friends.  Maybe you’ll meet someone at that toga party.

Why I Choose to Wear Pants

Disclaimer: Wearing pants is my own personal choice.  I don’t wish to impose my lifestyle on those around me.  This is me and it’s who I am!

    Many people have never asked me why I wear pants.  Is it because if I didn’t, people would think lustful thoughts after me?  Probably not.  Actually, most definitely not.  I got enough objections sporting bike shorts over the summer for some reason (please see previous post).  The reason I wear pants wasn’t a recent decision I made; in fact, that choice stems back many years ago.

              

  When you’re a baby, everyone thinks it’s just the cutest thing to see a naked baby and play with the rolls on your legs.  Unless you’re one of those parents that buys miniature suits and Nikes for their baby (which I think is almost as bad as people who dress up their pets.  Dogs aren’t meant to wear booties and sweaters!))  The cute, naked phase continues for the next few years.  Like when neighbors think it’s adorable when the naked kid from next door shows up unannounced (Awww!). 

              

    It’s once you reach elementary school age that people start giving you queer looks when you walk around in the buck (exceptions for this include children in third-world countries, who can push 11 or 12).  That’s the point when your parents sit you down to have the talk.  You know, the one that explains why public nudity is unacceptable (at least in our area).  You know that talk, right?  You may have heard it differently, but the gist is the same. 

Me wearing pants, while riding a horse, while throwing a javelin 

    Pants started to grow on me throughout the years.  I gained a sense of their necessity at such times such as that adolescent “pantsing” phase in Jr. High, trying to turn them into a flotation device in the public pool for the swimming merit badge (absolutely useless), and having them rip right off while performing dance moves similar to jumping jacks for a bunch of kids.  These experiences have helped to develop me.  I suppose I also live in fear that if I went on campus without pants, I run the risk of someone (not even gender specific) hand me a note quietly that explains how uncomfortable I am making them feel due to my lack of Bermudas.  Oddly enough that only happens with women here at BYU, something about skirts and leggings.  But no one ever gets after those dang male hipsters (not to be confused with male strippers) for wearing their fashionably short cut-offs.  I affectionately refer to them as Ne-hors (anyone get that reference).

              

  The final straw came two weeks ago while I was bowling among friends.  I had just broken 100 and was feeling pretty good (whether that was on my 9^th frame or not is irrelevant).  The 10^th frame I was walking back down to my seat and felt a slight draft down below.  I realized my pants had split right down the middle.  COME ON!! Bowling isn’t even a strenuous sport.  We played one more game and I realized the draft was throwing off my game terribly, I ended with a score less than 50.  I realized that pants are not only essential to a good game of bowling, but in life.  You can’t get a good job if you’re not wearing pants.  Common sense.

Me wearing shorts, another version of pants

The reason I wear pants is a personal one; it is different for each person.  Not everyone will agree with me, but let me know what your stance is!

Why you should date a cyclist!

     As I grow up and I come to the realization that I need to change my lifestyle and find healthy alternatives to indulging myself in the joy that is food.  I recently got into cycling last year and found it to be a much better alternative than running for exercise.  Think about it, you can go faster, farther and look cooler wearing those tight pants.  After coming across an article featured on eharmony.com (I don't use it, I swear), I couldn't help but feel that it rang true.  So even though this post may seem self serving, it's enjoyable nonetheless.

1.  Two words: bicycle shorts.

2.  It’s science: Cyclists are hot. A recent study found that cyclists who excelled in the Tour de France are perceived as more attractive than other athletes — and that the top 10 percent of cyclists “is about 25 percent more attractive than the lowest 10 percent.” Maybe fast is the new rich?

3. Cyclists are smart. According to a recent Mindlab survey, most people view cyclists as 13 percent more intelligent than the average person.

4. Cyclists are good. According to the same survey, cyclists are generally viewed as 10 percent more charitable than non-cyclists.

5. Your date will be around for a while. Pro cyclists live, on average, 6.3 more years than non-cyclists. (Um, as long as they don’t get hit by a car.)

6. Cyclists are handy. After years of honing bike-maintenance skills, your date will be up for fixing things around the house, too.

7. The great outdoors. If you’re sick of dating indoor cats, date a cyclist. You’ll get reacquainted with nature. And maybe even travel a little more.

8. Cyclists are committed — and don’t accept defeat. Hopefully this extends to their pursuit of relationship success, too.

9. No lazy bums here, just toned ones. Cyclists are disciplined, often rigorously so, and will withstand the elements to get their rides in.

10. Cyclists are constantly setting goals for themselves. If you want a forward-thinking date, look no further.

11. Cyclists have great near-death-experience stories to share, which is also why they’re also sticklers about safety.

12. You can start cycling, too! Your date will be thrilled to share his/her enthusiasm for the sport. In fact, the whole family can join in, should the two of you eventually procreate.

13. Cyclists don’t call in sick. According to a 2013 survey by the National Cycle Network, cyclists take half the number of sick days as their public transportation-riding colleagues.

14. Think your date’s obsession with the open road is a little over-the-top? He’s saner than you think. Studies have shown that vigorous exercise like cycling can boost concentration and memory while reducing stress and anxiety. The bike is good for his brain.

15. Love the planet? Cycling is as green as it gets.

Source: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating-tips-women/15-reasons-to-date-a-cyclist/#.VLhasyvF-Qw

My Body Won't Let Me Keep Eating

Growing up, I had the covetous characteristic of having an extremely fast metabolism.  When I was young, I recognized only that this made me extremely skinny.  Most adults must have thought that it was OK to be blunt with kids because I would constantly hear phrases like “My, you’re skinny! Take an extra pudding,” “Don’t your parents feed you?,” and “Whoa! Watch out where you put those boats (in response to my pediatrician tripping over my shoes (I was probably the only 12 year old to have shoes the same size as his age)) (on an unrelated note, I didn’t realize you outgrew a pediatrician until watching that episode of Friends).”

            As a teenager, I would unknowingly use this skill to indulge myself in the wonderful world of food.  While traveling back east we stopped at Denny’s which happened to serve a 6 lb. hamburger.  I regret that I did not eat the whole thing, but instead split it with two friends.  But STILL, two pounds is still admirable right? 

            Did you ever watch the film Matilda and wish that the chocolate cake that Bruce Bogtrotter victoriously finishes was real?  Well look no farther because you can find it right at your local Costco, better known as the All American Chocolate Cake: 7 ½ pounds of rich, chocolaty goodness, or so we thought when we bought it at the age of 17 and thought to eat it in one sitting.  2 gallons of milk and watching the whole Star Wars prequel trilogy later, we finished that cake.  Did we feel accomplished? Yes.  Did we feel absolutely terrible inside? Absolutely.  But it was one of those things that “hurts so good!”  Needless to say, there is no way we could do the same thing.  We’d be better off taking a syringe of lard directly to the thigh.

            As I’ve grown up, I realized that I hit my peak performance as a teenager (going to the Philippines, getting worms and dengue, and losing 30 lbs. didn’t help).  Some people measure performance in terms of “athleticism” and “fitness.”  I say it’s up for interpretation.  I can still eat a lot, except now, I sometimes experience “eater’s remorse (it’s a thing).  You’ll understand if you’ve ever eaten at Beto’s.  My mother’s words to me as a child are starting to become clearer: “You’ll regret this when you’re older.”

            I’m still skinny and lanky (as the lunch ladies used to say), but at least now people don’t mistake my ribs for abs (unfortunately).  I actually have to prepare myself before big eats.  But if you ever want to do the following local challenges with me (perhaps even split one), please let me know.

5 lb. burrito at Brassas Mexican Grill

3 lb. Burger (w/ 1 lb. fries) at Fuddruckers on Fat Thursday

The Filthy Forty at Buffalo Wild Wings

The Kitchen Sink at Angie’s in Logan

5 lb. Calzone at The Pomaroy

29 in. Pizza at the Brick Oven

Also, if it’s your birthday, did you know you can pretty much get a free month of food by hitting up enough restaraunts (and having enough friends willing to go with you to get the BOGO deals)?  Here are a few:

BOGO at Tucahnos (Go right before their dinner menu starts to get the lunch price and dinner foods)

BOGO at Benihana’s Japanese Grill

Free Burger at Red Robin

Free Ice at Rita’s

Free Grand Slam at Denny’s (Day of Only)

Free Shake at Del Taco

Free Firehouse Sub

Free Ice Cream at Coldstone

BOGO at Dickey’s BBQ

Free meal at IHOP

Most places do desserts and appetizers but please, go big or go home.